my toil under the sun

i don’t think i have ever been as excited about a ‘good friday’ in my life.  when i rose this morning, everything was bathed in moonlight until the sun slowly warmed everything. no tie or belt today, for sure. i have been thinking a good bit about this whole idea of work lately…

not even two years ago i worked because i enjoyed it. i had no debts, no one to support, no substantial material possessions and no desire for them. i worked to play (old beat up motorcycles to restore, a canoe, trips to europe, etc.). things are very different now… i work full-time and have much responsibility at a large university and the coin has flipped. before i was giving them my time to further a good cause, now they are giving me time to further good causes (such as family, friends, and rest). is it that they need me or that i need them now? and if i need them now to maintain that for which i am responsible (food on the table for beth and i, food for the cats, house to grow old in) then does that mean they own me now?

i stand in front of all these families at work to tell them how our institution can greatly benefit their minds and all i want to do is ask them how they have sought to benefit their souls! these days are good days; for more often i want to stand in front of them and tell them to drop this college stuff and go explore this world that God has given us because you’ll be old or even dead before you know it! all is vanity as solomon says: “i hated all my toil in which i toil under the sun, seeing that i must leave it to the man who will come after me, and who knows whether he will be wise or a fool?” i want to tell them to quit building mansions and start backpacking the world to save the lost and praise God for his mountains and waterfalls! so what keeps me showing up everyday? i don’t know…

maybe community has something to do with it. you can’t reminisce about the last 20 years when you have just known someone for a week. maybe hvac has something to do with it too. or maybe it is just God’s grace that pulls us to a good thing that we cannot see… solomon continues: “there is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. this also, i saw, is from the hand of God, for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment?”

i go to continue this work, and am praying that i “will not remember the days of [my] life because God keeps me occupied with the joy in [my] heart.”

the bruce

i can’t tell you how many times i have seen braveheart, without doubt it is one of my favorite movies.  we watched it again just a couple of nights ago. yet this time i found that, while reflecting on this epic story, i thought most not of william wallace, but of robert the bruce. there is no internal struggle with wallace, all his struggles are of the external variety. it could be that in the past i felt unwavering and above reproach, only battling with evil external forces that wish to crush the abundant strength and overwhelming goodness that i believed to be within me.

i have an idea why this time was different… a short while ago i was reading the psalms of david (eighteen) when, overwhelmed by the strength of his enemies, david exclaims, ‘He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.’ i’m afraid that i do not see God as one who would delight in me. take care of me, yes, but because it is a gracious thing to do. but certainly not because He enjoys it. this doesn’t quite agree with quite a few areas of scripture:

the Lord your God is in your midst,
a victorious warrior.
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
- Zephaniah

the bruce had a mind, and plenty of pressure, to increase his title and lands whatever the cost. he longed thought to be like wallace, and trade his title for humility and risk his lands on the battlefield for the cause of goodness and freedom. stumbling through the aftermath of the battle at falkirk, he finally realized what was being sacrificed for his title and lands. broken by this, he leads his people to battle and frees scotland from english tyranny.

i do not yet know what must be sacrificed for win this battle of mine, but i want to. i no longer want to feel like a young child that has been sent off to boarding school before phones were invented. i feel that it may have something to do with much bitterness and anger towards God, but i’m not sure where to start plowing that mess… 

why blog?

a question rolls in my mind even as i blog this, why blog? i guess one doesn’t need to know exactly why he does things before he does them, but i do have some reasons for begining this… my initial purpose is to enlighten myself to my own thoughts for it is not often that they stay very long or make very much sense. writing them down should help. another purpose is to make myself known to my bride, beth, for i struggle to be expressive even in everyday things. yet another purpose exists because i know that behind every great man is Christ, and perhaps other good men. i desire to be great not for my own gain, but for the glory of my Father. let me decrease so that He may increase. perchance there are other men with this same mind that can help me in this, but i will not know until i ask.